What Do You Say When You Miscarry?
I have come to hate that word. Miscarry. It sounds like I dropped something, or missed doing something I was supposed to do. Any woman who miscarries knows this feeling, what I feared for days and weeks has finally come to pass, the child has died even though I tried to do everything I could to prevent it. I have a mix of emotions. If I sound angry, well, part of me is angry.
Why? Why does this have to happen?
I knew that if I announced a new little Trasancos had entered the world, then I’d have let people know if I miscarried too. It’s almost embarrassing because miscarriage makes you feel like you failed somehow, but telling people about this child was my way of celebrating this life.
As a family, we’ve worked together marching back and forth to the doctor, getting medication I needed at the pharmacy, having blood test after blood test with young kids sitting all over the waiting room, hoping for a healthy sonogram, and experiencing the sadness of realizing there’s nothing more we can do except say good-bye.
To us, that little embryo is in many ways no different than the nine year old with beautiful flowing hair streaking behind her as she runs through the fall leaves and asks a million questions about hunting deer this winter because she actually thinks she wants to try it. Just as she is simply being her unique self, so too was the embryo. We love them both, the same, but differently because of who they are.
Our child lived on earth, and will live in eternity too. God created a new body and a new soul, and now we entrust him or her to Our Creator. With the raw clarity of suffering, I am thankful for my children who are still with me, the grown ones who don’t usually think they need their mother’s guidance, but still seek it anyway when they want real answers, and the young ones who clamor around me all day begging for snacks and toys and attention. They all need me in different ways, even as I have to learn to let go in so many different ways too.
Oh motherhood! Isn’t every single day of motherhood an exercise in learning to let go?
These children, all so different, all so mine. I love them all so much. I’m just trying to hang on to each one of them for as long as I can. I guess that’s what you say when you miscarry — I was trying to hang on for as long as I could.
Fall 2010 and five months pregnant with JJ
Thanks to everyone who prayed
and shared this life with us.
Category: Personal
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- Desiring Baptism : Stacy Trasancos | March 24, 2013
I’m very sorry that this happened, and congratulate you on your strength in sharing this. You touch on a very important point, I think:
> It’s almost embarrassing because miscarriage makes you feel like you failed somehow…
Talking about miscarriages in stories such as this helps remove the social stigma around miscarriages. It happens more than we, as a society, let on, and, as a result, a lot of women feel guilty over or responsible for miscarriages – the “what could I have done differently?” introspection – when the reality is that there probably wasn’t anything that they could or should have done differently.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
A womans burden and a mans in a different way. Good wishes for you both and all.
I’m so sorry,Stacy. Praying for you and your family.
Stacy, I’m so sorry to read this sad post. No matter how ‘expert’ you become at miscarriage (I’ve had 7)it never gets any easier, you just feel like a bus has run over you…followed by a train. So sad and lonely. I will be praying for you. Last year I got sucked into a Twitter altercation (you know how nasty they are) about the unborn child. The next day I felt compelled to write a post I had been putting off for a long time. I never post my link to people’s blogs as it’s like taking advantage, but if you click on mine it’s in the sidebar as the most read post. I hope it helps at this sad moment. Jennifer
So sorry to hear this Stacy. Please know (as I’m sure you do) that this was absolutely nothing you did. And whatever feelings you have are legitimate ones….anger, sadness, disappointment that you should feel free to express. This is a loss though I know you also are aware that your little one now sees the face of God and also sees you and Jose and his/her brothers and sisters and also waits to meet all of you one day in heaven! I’ve passed the word along to Chris Toloczko. You are in our prayers!
Ruth
Stacy, your post got me to thinking. How is it possible that any woman could reconcile the incredible emotions involved in a miscarriage with speaking so dispassionately about an abortion itself? I see only rationalizing.
Howard, really not an appropriate time for this discussion, with this woman.
It’s OK. Howard knows how I feel about abortion.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Stacy. We have always told people right from the beginning that we were pregnant, even with later pregnancies when we knew that I was high risk for miscarriage. I didn’t like having to tell people when we lost the baby, but I depended on the prayers of many to get me through the loss of our seven little ones. Praying for you…
I’m so sorry that you lost your baby. Praying for you.
Dear Stacy,
Im so sorry for you loss…I am a fellow bereaved person these days (having lost my husband suddenly a few weeks ago)so welcome to the club that noone wants to join, the club of new grief. The women I cared for when their babies died have kept me afloat…thank God for them.
It was a 9 week loss 20 years ago that started to turn the ship that is my life in the trajectory towards caring for women with perinatal loss. It took years more preparation after my loss before I was ready to begin my work in earnest, but since I got my marching orders and my ministry began nearnest, I have cared for women like you and like I was when I lost my Laura Elizabeth.
I think you may have visited my blog…one of the most popular posts is one that deals with the words “miscarriage” and “stillbirth” and why those are horrid words…this blog post has gone around the world (and is especially popular with Aussie women) but has hit a nerve…and I didnt even write it from a Catholic perspective (imagine how much more we Catholic believe in honoring early life in how we speak of them!)
So you have the right to NOT use the work “miscarriage” if you dont want to…we can start a social trend where we simply refuse to let such inadequate words be used to describe important things in our lives.
Love to you!
http://lifeandloss.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/miscarriage-and-stillbirth-why-i-hate-those-words/
Hi there, just read your comment. I lost my daughter Lily Katherine (who was stillborn at fullterm) and have read this post you wrote before recently. I really like what you wrote and will be sharing it with others. I do not like the words miscarriage and stillbirth. Hugs.
Stacy, saddened by the news of the loss of your baby. Not too long ago the daughter of a friend also suffered the lose of her second child the same way and I want to share the same prayer with you I shared with her.
Dear God,
Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can’t be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
Please plant a seed within my baby’s heart of sunshine, not of rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please hold my hand when I can’t do anything- but cry.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there’ll always be a place-
within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby-
I never held…but, always loved. Amen.
Ellen DuBois
Your child and your whole family will be my special intention at noon prayer and will include you as ‘a friend who suffered a miscarrage yesterday/last night’ on my prayer group.
Stacy,
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Thank you for being so willing to share both your joys and your sufferings with the world – you are a great witness!
In Him,
Amanda
Dear Stacey,
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family. In order to have a name or an identity, one must exist. To exist can never be past tense. The Bible tells us to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). Your dear child not only existed on earth, growing quietly hidden from all eyes within your womb, but has since existed in your hearts. And now exists in Heaven with the King of all Kings. In knowing Him, you know this child. This child who now exists in the only perfect place there is. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You are especially on my heart.
Here are a couple resources I have found healing and helpful and thought you might like:
-To Write Their Names in the Sand (Carly Marie writes the babies of Heaven’s names on the sand on the shore of an Australian beach free of charge): http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/
-National Memorial for the Unborn (they have a beautiful memorial garden dedicated to miscarried and stillborn babies where you can get a brick for your baby. They also have an indoor wall of remembrance for aborted babies. It is all where a former abortion clinic used to be and is now a place that honors the unborn! So sacred and beautiful.): http://memorialfortheunborn.org/
There are other great resources, but these are my top two favorites.
Much love, hugs, and prayers, Hannah Rose
And I agree with what you wrote about miscarriage. I don’t like that word either. People have minimized the value of the unborn in our society. In a country where our President doesn’t place value on babies who are born alive after a failed abortion and wants them to be left on a table to suffer and die, I think it’s quite obvious. The unborn are so quickly disposed of, as if they are waste. No wonder people don’t think it matters when someone miscarries or loses a baby. After all, they were just a blob of tissue, right? They weren’t a baby yet, so what’s there to be upset about? Then when exactly is the baby an actual baby? Was Lily not a baby because she never breathed outside my womb, though she made it to fullterm? What about the mother who miscarries her very much loved and wanted baby? Is it a baby only when the mother wants it, but otherwise it’s just cells? This is the sad state of the world in 2012.
Stacy, so very sorry and sad to hear this! I do like the fact that you did share and celebrated the life! That is being the best Mom and now you grieve. God gives us what we, and the baby, can handle and I always found much comfort in that the several times I tried to hang on to my unborn blessings as long as I could too. God is our greatest gift and I am so thankful everyday for my healthy family, abundant blessings, and joy even in times of sorrow. May His love fill your soul! xoxo
My heart breaks for you! So many prayers for you and your family!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Stacy.
So sorry for your loss Stacy and thank God for baby St. Transacos!
so, so sorry. :’(
So very sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you.
Oh Stacy, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I love the prayer that Richard shared and I think you said it quite well:”you were trying to hang on for as long as you could” God knows and your little one knows how much you loved him/her. I will pray for you and your family.
Oh, Stacey, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.
I miscarried our littlest rascal on Monday evening. I, too, HATE that word. It compounds the guilt I already feel : “Did I overdo something? Did I drink/eat something I shouldn’t have? Was I not excited enough about this little one?” and so on…To me, the word “miscarry” implies that I, MYSELF, made some misstep along the way and this is all my fault.
Please know that we grieve with you at the Czerkes house.
We will pray for you and your family’s healing.
If I could be so bold, could I ask for your prayers in return? We will bury our Jonathan Francis on Wednesday afternoon of next week. I will need all the prayers I can get to make it through that afternoon. Thank you.
Oh! Prayers Stacey! I’m so, so sorry for your and your families loss.
Thank you all for the prayers. I’m so touched, I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.
Richard, that prayer is beautiful.
Heidi, I will definitely remember you and your family in prayer. God bless your little Jonathan Francis. Peace and healing to you.
I’m so very sorry.
So sorry, Stacy
You’re in my thoughts.
Sorry to hear
I’m so very sorry for your loss…
Very sorry for you and your family. God Bless your child.
Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum.
I am reading these comments, but I feel differently. I completely understand what all of you are saying. Hoever, since all my day is spent in the medical community, I wish we had a better word because we use the word abortion. No one cares how much your child was wanted. You body “got rid of it” and you are lumped in with the people who chose to “terminate”. I hate that the word abortion appears under my medical history, it is almost never accompanied with “spontaneous”. That word is too long.