Logical Fail: Sex Should Be a Practical Issue?
The woman formerly known as beautiful and author at Huffington Post, Shannon Bradley-Colleary, had an article recently with the declarative title “Abstinence Got Me Pregnant.” It’s a “family planning” story meant to demonstrate that people should not be expected to follow a moral code when it comes to sexual intercourse, and probably many women can relate.
The author describes how she was raised by religious parents and a father that scared off boys while cleaning his gun, how she fell in love in college and “relinquished” her virginity unexpectedly on Cheez-It crumbs behind a couch in an off-campus apartment while “roommates farted and belched like cannon-fire in adjacent rooms,” how she began taking birth control pills and used them for the next five years as a “serial monogamist,” how after she had her heart broken and broke a few herself she decided to take a “leave of absence” and become abstinent, how a broken-hearted young man still pursued her with roses, poetry, and silly declarations of love, how she got pregnant and to her relief miscarried so she was “spared, making a choice” that might “haunt” her for the rest of her life, and finally how some ten years later she gave birth to two daughters with her husband “at just the right time, with exactly the right partner.” What does she credit for things working out well? Birth control, because abstinence got her pregnant.
Her point is this: “…sex should NOT BE a MORAL ISSUE, it should be a PRACTICAL ISSUE.” [Emphasis hers.]
She plans to take her daughters to Planned Parenthood when they are in high school because although she hopes “they will only give themselves to men who cherish them” she believes it is better to be “practical” and dispense with any “moral imperatives” so they won’t ever experience shame or blame. She concludes, “Knowledge is power.”
Take a deep breath, relax your face muscles, and let’s examine the logic of this statement because this is a serious issue that needs to be clarified. I once thought this way too, until I realized 1) everyone needs a moral code, and 2) words mean things.
We need definitions. We have to know what we are talking about. The word “practical” is derived from the Latin practicalis and it relates to practice or action. The word “moral” stems from mōrālis and is concerned with ethics. Animals merely act without any rational consideration; but humans can act thoughtfully, can reason about morality, and don’t have to be slaves to base appetites. I know – it’s countercultural, but let it sink in. It’s the truth.
There’s a word that has become rather distorted, and it relates to choosing actions based on knowledge. That word is “conscience” from cum alio scientia, with other knowledge, science from experiment, and it begins with the individual. A rational being (i.e. a person) has the ability to use reason and act in a conscionable way. By an active power of the soul, we use our intellect to gain knowledge, and it, admittedly, can be difficult. A properly formed conscience is not the work of a lazy intellect.
So what’s the difference between acting “practically” and acting “morally”? Really nothing, except the former is repetitious, and the latter implies a need for deeper thought and introspection. Someone may say, “Well, acting practically means to make good choices without appealing to harsh judgment.” That, however, is a travesty to logic. To know what is good, one must judge, so the issue is still a moral issue, just without using that Big Scary Word. And without guidance you end up saying something silly like, “Birth control is the responsible thing to do when you aren’t going to be responsible in the first place.” Logical fail.
This confusion stems, in part, from the use of the word “sex.” Let’s examine that word. It comes from the Latin word secus which refers to the state of being male or female, sexual organs. The union of two bodies is sometimes called intercourse, but if we’re talking about people instead of animals, we need a word that represents the union of both body and soul. “Intimacy” from the Latin intimus refers to the inmost, deep-seated, inner nature, that thing between a man and woman that is the deepest union, not isolated to a physical act. It encompasses – is the very wellspring – of the entire union and relationship.
Intimacy is uniquely human. Animals have intercourse to procreate; humans, however, can experience intimacy and pleasure in the marital bond to bring forth new life in love. See the difference? You take your pet to the vet to get fixed, not your daughters.
This is why we call that special union the consummate [consummātus lacking nothing, complete, perfect] marital [marītālis belonging privately to husband and wife] act [āctus physical movement], something intimate and specific to humanity. It’s not sex, it’s intimacy.
So we need to ask: Does a mother really equip her daughters with the power of knowledge if she teaches them to succumb to lowly appetites? Does teaching them about birth control rather than intimacy and marriage spare them of any internal conflict of conscience?
No. But what if you teach them about birth control and abortion along with teaching them about intimacy, love, and marriage? Again, logical fail. You can’t say, “Be prudent, but when you fail to be prudent, then be less prudent.” That’s not prudence, that’s lowering the standard.
See, what unites us as people, what defines us as human regardless of any physical characteristic, is our mental endowment. Humans must think. We have a conscience, and for every action we use the judgment of reason to determine whether it is moral or not. Prudence is the knowledge of what we ought to seek and what we ought to avoid for our own good. Prudence gives us power to know the right thing to do, the right way to act. Mothers need to guide their daughters morally, and daughters desperately desire this guidance from their mothers.
What about shame and blame? Well, part of that guidance is the development of a conscience and the instruction in the virtues. Prudence empowers a child to face fear, to avoid selfishness and pride because the child learns confidence in her ability to reason. It prevents her from harboring resentment from guilt because the child learns that she can make a mistake and still trust herself to do better, even if it’s hard. Prudence prevents complacency because it helps the child navigate life with her eyes wide open. Thus, knowledge in matters of conscience teaches a child true freedom and peace. It’s a challenge, but the alternative is to give up and stop trying. And again, that’s just lazy.
What if a person makes an error in judgment against her core conscience because she hasn’t really thought it through? Well she’ll feel a tug, and that tug is proof that she knows and recognizes what is true and good deep down. Mrs. Shannon Bradley-Colleary reveals this tug in her Huffington Post article. The “19-year-old girl behind the couch” knew something wasn’t right. The 25-year-old woman knew that “serial monogamy” was wrong. It wasn’t ”abstinence” that got her pregnant, it was the genuine but imprudent desire for intimacy without marriage. The “sense of loss” felt for an “unwanted pregnancy” was real. Abortion does “haunt” for the rest of your life. The “hope” for daughters to find men to “cherish” them is as true as true gets. It’s all called womanhood, and it’s wonderful.
And Planned Parenthood will never teach our daughters any of that. They’ll just fix them up with pills, devices, and latex as if the only thing they are capable of knowing is (irrationally) how to use them correctly.
[learn_more caption="Sources"]
Thank you Dr. Jeff McLeod for guidance finding the teachings of the Church and Angelic Doctor that already give us the words for these pure and uplifting Holy ideas.
Dr. Ludwig Ott, Fundamentals of Catholic Dogma, Chapter 2, The Doctrine of the Revelation regarding Man or “Christian Anthropology” I. The Nature of Man § 13. The Origin of the First Human Pair and the Unity of the Human Race
All definitions and etymologies from the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary
Image credit: Fotolia, young girls ready for school
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Category: Featured, Marriage, Parenting, Social Issues
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I must say, I don’t understand at all why you seem to care so much about others’ private sex lives, nor do I understand why you seem to think that the Catholic way of life must be the right way of life for everyone just because it happens to be the right way of life for you. I mean, it’s not like you can prove that Catholicism is “the truth,” nor is it as though your morals are superior to the morals of those who think premarital sex and birth control are okay.
I mean, heck, studies have been done that show that most people in this country have had premarital sex (and yes, that includes Catholics). Here’s proof:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-12-19-premarital-sex_x.htm
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20061220/premarital-sex-the-norm-in-america
Plus, there are plenty of emotional and physical benefits to sex, which means that trying to prevent people from having sex is basically the same thing as saying that you don’t want them to have those health benefits. Here’s proof:
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/benefits-of-sex-0
So what’s the point in harping on and on about how horrible premarital sex is when all you’re doing is making yourself seem arrogant and annoying? (Not using the words “arrogant” and “annoying” as insults, by the way. Just using those words according to their dictionary definitions.) I mean, it’s tirades like that that make Catholicism as a whole seem incredibly backwards and ignorant of reality. After all, reality shows that premarital sex will always exist, no matter how much people like you say how wrong it is. And reality also shows that premarital sex is just as healthy as marital sex is, and there is no compassionate reason to deny people those health benefits.
EDIT: Oh, and one last thing: Why do you seem to think it’s so wrong for women to have a strong sex drive? I mean, I’m sure you don’t think it’s wrong for men to want to have sex all the time, so why is it wrong for women to feel that way? Why should women have to only want to have sex after they get married, as though it’s wrong for women to act at all like men? Some women are just naturally masculine. What’s so wrong about that?
Hi Hannah,
I don’t care about other people’s sex lives to the extent that they keep them private. I care when it becomes public discourse to encourage people to teach their children things that I know are wrong.
“I understand why you seem to think that the Catholic way of life must be the right way of life”
Experimental evidence.
“it’s not like you can prove that Catholicism is “the truth,””
Actually I can, but before I do I’ve learned to ask what, to you, constitutes valid proof.
A webmd article? OK, why? You even called it reality.
Here’s another reality. My kids LOVE, I mean LOVE, chocolate chip cookies. (So do I!) Plus people need to eat. So, when I make them cookies, they beg me to have them for dinner, and then they beg me to make them night after night after night for dinner. They find pleasure in them. They want to eat just for pleasure, so much they beg.
Am I showing a lack of compassion to insist that they practice prudence and learn that eating cookies for dinner is really, really NOT in their own best interest, or the best interest of the household?
“EDIT: Oh, and one last thing: Why do you seem to think it’s so wrong for women to have a strong sex drive?”
See cookie question above. We all have “drives” or appetites. We have to learn prudence and how to remember those appetites should be ordered towards our good, not our destruction.
Does that make sense, Hannah?
Awesome reply to Hannah. You are spot on!
I don’t understand why some parents think their daughters want to have sex.
Here is an interesting case in point: At my real home (we’re a military family away from our favorite location right now), I have a neighbor who is the salt of the earth. She embodies the idea that families should take care of their own. She is the guardian for her 28 year old mentally handicapped stepson, even though her first husband is long gone. Seven years ago she took in a 9 year old girl, her second cousin, daughter of a drug addict, because the girl was otherwise foster system bound.
Last year my neighbor came to me looking for advice…The girl, now 15, had a steady 15 year old boyfriend. The drug addict mother decided to intervene and took her daughter to an appointment to begin taking the pill. The drug addict mother wanted the girl to have the sexual freedom that she herself did not have as a teen.
The neighbor came to me on day 6 of her young charge being on the pill. I don’t know if it was the hormones that caused it or the mental impact of being sexualized by her own mother, but from the day after her first dose, the girl had missed school every day, with moodiness and irritability and complaining that her stomach hurt. The boyfriend had stopped by several times and had begun antisocial behaviors, namely, getting very physically frisky right in front of the family. According to my neighbor, the girl was confused by his actions. I don’t see how putting the girl on the pill benefited anybody but the heretofore absent mother who felt that she was doing the right thing for her daughter.
My neighbor was in a tough spot because she had taken her cousin in without any established legal guardianship and the girl’s mother clearly wanted her to be on the pill. All the advice I could offer my neighbor was for her to protect her cousin and give her every opportunity not to have sex, which was probably inadequate counsel.
We moved soon afterwards, and I don’t know how things turned out.
From my experience, I think the practical solution is the same as the moral solution: Delay sexual activity until a mutual lifelong commitment is made. It’s been documented over and over and over to be better all around: Physically (no STDs), emotionally (more self-esteem), psychologically (less depression, drug abuse, eating disorders, etc), intellectually (finish high school, go on to college). Mrs. Colleary seems to be in reality advocating the expedient solution.
Just for the benefit of your critics, both sets of my grandparents *had* to get married, and both marriages were lifelong and happy, so I’m a realist about the existence of premarital sex in a predominantly Catholic town.
Christine,
Wow. That was poignant. I think you made the point I wanted to make better than I did.
“I don’t see how putting the girl on the pill benefited anybody but the heretofore absent mother who felt that she was doing the right thing for her daughter.”
I don’t go into too much personal details, but I know EXACTLY what you are saying. I call it the “Knight swooping in on the white stallion after the battle is over” syndrome. Other people do all the work, someone else rides in to claim victory…and then rides off again.
It’s unjust.
And my heart breaks for young girls like you described. They just want to belong, to be loved. And they know the one doing all the work does love them, but the other people – they just confuse her.
Thank you. You let me know that the spirit of what I wanted to say came through. It matters SO MUCH what we teach young women and men. It affects the rest of their lives.
Thank you Christine.
Hi Hannah — This is an interesting conversation, but I must admit your argument leaves me cold and not simply because it’s me you disagree with. It smacks of intellectual condescension. You’re obviously well-read and whip smart. You have a relationship with church and God that’s important to you and works in your life. I actually agree with your definition of morality and I also agree that as humans we have access to Divinity and the ability to curb animal appetites that might be self-destructive.
But here’s the thing about cerebral arguments or religious arguments — Abstinence Only (and the ONLY is the key word in this sentence — if you are able to practice Abstinence while under hormonal or emotional siege good for you), but Abstinence Only is not practical and can even become immoral should you bring an unwanted child into the world whom you don’t love or neglect. Not every human being is a finely tuned moral entity. We are messy, we are impractical, we are learning curves and mistakes and irrational and wild and wooly and lovely. Most of us need stop gap safety measures. We are not all Christ. And my guess is that even Christ wasn’t Christ the way he’s defined today.
I will not be the one administering birth control pills to my daughters at 15, but I will take them to Planned Parenthood so that a practical, emotionally impartial person can talk to them about risk, pregnancy and STDs then allow them access to what they think they might need. They may choose to need nothing but abstinence and I will support that too.
Shannon, you addressed your comment to Hannah, but something tells me you meant Stacy?
Either way, I’m struck by your remarks. Abstinence can become immoral? That’s one I’ve never heard, and I thought I’d heard ‘em all. No, abstaining from sex does not become immoral, particularly if you’re not married! And why is it that all this free sex must be paid for by all the “unwanted” and “unloved” children that result? (You know, by definition, abstinence has never brought a single child into the world.)
I’m sorry to hear that you will not be the one to teach your daughters what they need to know about sex and the myriad of risks that come from promiscuous sex. PP is in the business of creating repeat customers. They’d like nothing better than to make your girls clients for life. When the birth control fails, PP will be there to “take care” of the problem for them, at a hefty fee of course.
Latex will not protect a girl’s heart. Pills will not protect her dignity. Abortion will certainly not free or empower her. You know what will? Abstinence. Chastity. Virtue. Respect for the incredible power and beauty of sexual love, and above all, self-control. Our daughters deserve far, far better than PP will ever give them. PP has no interest in a girl’s chastity or purity. Their only interest is self-interest, and they need girls that need treatment for STD’s, and girls that think they “need” abortion.
Firstly, whats the point of a blog, its its not to share your thoughts? I mean whats the point of writing anything? Hannah’s critical viewpoint is rather, well ironic, since Hannah is reading the blog, so why do you want to know someone else’s viewpoint if the first thing your going to say is being hypercritical of what they are saying?
“nor do I understand why you seem to think that the Catholic way of life must be the right way of life for everyone just because it happens to be the right way of life for you”
Because if you live a way that makes you feel happy, then you may want to share that way to others, hey it might not work for everyone, but at least a few people might take on board what is being said.
“I care when it becomes public discourse to encourage people to teach their children things that I know are wrong.”
Absolutely agreed but this is going to get much harder if some things are redefined. If societies viewpoint is completely abstract to your own.
“And Planned Parenthood will never teach our daughters any of that. They’ll just fix them up with pills, devices, and latex as if the only thing they are capable of knowing is (irrationally) how to use them correctly.”
I couldn’t agree more, society is huge on teaching right and wrong but then frequently misses the actually point. Moral people know differently.
“And reality also shows that premarital sex is just as healthy as marital sex is, and there is no compassionate reason to deny people those health benefits.”
Really… Just as healthy? But referring to health as purely physical OR spiritual is a bit naive isn’t it?
So I’m a bit confused as to how abstinence causes pregnancy…abstinence means not having sex. Having sex can lead to pregnancy. Abstinence is not having sex, and not having sex never leads to pregnancy. If one is having sex, one is not abstinent… The two are mutually exclusive.
There will always be sin in the world, but that doesn’t mean we should just sit by and go with the flow. There will always be cancer, yet we spend billions to try and find preventions and cures. Pointless, because there will always be cancer. Same with murder and such – there will always be crime in the world, so why bother having laws and prosecuting? I just don’t see how such an argument makes sense.
Yes, people fail. But that doesn’t mean we should stop loving them and helping them to pick themselves up and start again. So you messed up? That’s okay, every one does. Pick yourself up, try again, remember what led to your fall and try to avoid them. No one is going to expect anyone to be perfect, but we should expect people to at least try, and keep trying to become better.
The original article is oddly titled.
I didn’t read it, but as you mentioned Stacy, it is a story many of us are familiar with.
I do not envy a parent’s job. Neither do I envy being a teenager.
My mother was like many mothers in here. She would not allow me birth control and she thought if she didn’t talk about sex I wouldn’t do it. Even when I approached her about it, to TRY to talk about the pressures I faced and the feelings I had, she would shut me down.
Now, it is possible that if she had allowed me birth control, I would not have gotten pregnant when I was 15. But, it is also possible that if she simply would have TALKED to me and would have been honest with me, I may have delayed sexual activity.
I think people skip steps when it comes to teens and sex. And indeed, some parents would rather hand out condoms and pills than talk to their children candidly. I stress that communication is a parent’s best weapon against a host of stupid things teens are likely to do.
But, then there is the matter of whether or not premarital sex is horrible, wrong, etc. I do not believe it is. I do think that keeping the number of partners to a minimum is best for one’s physical and mental well-being. We only get this one body and it is silly to risk getting a disease or getting pregnant by someone you can’t stand for a bit of pleasure. That is enough for me, but then again…I am no longer Catholic.
I have a question, though.
If you personally know a teen that will have sex no matter what you tell them and you’ve done everything you could to convince them to wait, do you let them go unprotected knowing that disease and unplanned pregnancy await them?
Shannon,
Thank you for commenting. It gave me no pleasure to address such a personal issue, but you say these things and people read them and are influenced. You are a lovely woman, very warm and charming, and I did take the time to *get to know* you by browsing your blog. I know mothering is a complicated and messy job, and with love a mother can find her way. I would never speculate on whether or not you are a good mother. I just needed to make that clear.
I disagree with you on the ideas you presented. They are very common messages today, but I’ve lived with those ideas and have witnessed how they fail.
These are not merely “cerebral arguments” (I apologize if my delivery is dry). These are things that need to be discussed. “Abstinence only” in itself sounds like something set up to fail. I prefer in terms of virtues and chastity. To practice virtue means just that – practice. It does not presume perfection.
And I’m going to say it, because this discussion begs the question, that Chris put in front of us.
What does a mother do with a child whom she knows is going to have “sex” even after she’s tried to teach him or her the reasons not to?
She stands firm on the truth, and keeps teaching it in love. But she never, ever enables her child to do something that will harm him/her. And if he/she does it anyway, keep standing firm, keep loving them, keep teaching them, keep guiding them.
I know from experience, it never ends. That’s motherhood. When our children learn to walk, we helped them back up, right? We didn’t say, “Well, stay on the ground, walking’s just too hard.”
And Shannon,
“I will not be the one administering birth control pills to my daughters at 15, but I will take them to Planned Parenthood so that a practical, emotionally impartial person can talk to them about risk, pregnancy and STDs then allow them access to what they think they might need. They may choose to need nothing but abstinence and I will support that too.”
I implore you to reconsider that.
Chris,
The thing I’ve learned about being a mother is exactly what you said – communication is important.
Ideally a child and parent will establish that from the very beginning, but sometimes communication is broken by any number of things. And you are proof that even when it’s not perfect, when the relationship remains, things keep going in a positive direction. It was severely broken with my oldest child, but everything life throws our way is an opportunity to work and make it better. Sometimes you take a step forward and two back, but you keep going. I know, I know, preaching to the choir.
I do want to, again, address this question because it’s the tough one.
“If you personally know a teen that will have sex no matter what you tell them and you’ve done everything you could to convince them to wait, do you let them go unprotected knowing that disease and unplanned pregnancy await them?”
Yes, it’s a hard line, but a teen on the verge of becoming an adult needs to learn that actions have consequences. I’m no fan of teen pregnancy, but a teen who becomes a parent and has his/her own parent there like rocks in the storm to guide him/her when he’s ready to listen – that teen will find his way.
If the teen isn’t willing to listen and rebels by engaging in dangerous activities, making the dangerous activity artificially safer won’t teach him anything. There are worse things that can happen besides becoming a parent at a young age.
This opens a lot for discussion, but I’ve lived it, Chris. I don’t discuss the private lives of my children, but I do speak from experience. Parenting young adults is a million times harder than parenting newborns. They just lay there!
Thanks, Stacy.
I lived it, as well. I was on the receiving end, though…LOL
I don’t think I could do that to my child (or anyone I was close to). They may be on the verge of being an adult, but they are not an adult. I know being a parent isn’t the worst thing for a teen. That wasn’t even my worst fear as a teen. It was contracting an STD.
I know I would be uncomfortable knowing sticking to my guns could indirectly lead to my minor child coming home with an incurable disease or bringing home a baby.
I know you loathe Planned Parenthood, but while volunteering and counceling there…I saw some things that were not pretty. I had to deal with girls that were 13 and 14 years old that were HIV positive. Girls that didn’t know that discharge they had was a STD and passed it on to someone else. Girls that got pregnant and miscarried because of raging ghonorrea and other bacterial STDs.
Because their parents didn’t talk to them, I had to talk to them. Because their parents thought protection was a license to sin, they paid dearly. These kids…and in your view, grandkids, paid dearly for that hardline view. That’s not a price I’d want my child, niece, sister or anyone to pay.
So yes, if I can keep a teen from having sex in the first place…I will. But if said teen will have sex, I will do I can to prevent disease and pregnancy.
As far as learning lessons, teens will still learn them if they have access to protection. The consequenses *may* not be as dire as a child or a disease, but would be damage to their reputation, to their emotional well-being, etc. Condoms and pills cannot shield from that.
I know Chris, you are still evolving and so am I. I didn’t know what I would do in a lot of situations until I was actually in them. We don’t know everything we need to know all of a sudden, it unfolds as we live through the joys and sufferings that life brings. That’s why I wrote about prudence and conscience. Developing in prudence (which you have a lot of) is very empowering. You know you can survive. You know you can look at yourself honestly. You trust yourself to do what’s right, even if it’s hard.
The issue of a minor child engaging in dangerous activities even after you’ve explained to them (I know, they don’t listen) why they shouldn’t is not a black and white, and I know you know that. It’s soooo complicated.
I’ve had to ask myself before, “Will X,Y,Z solve the real problem?” If the answer is no, then I can focus on better solutions. That’s how it is with BC, there are emotional issues that need to be addressed if a teen wants to engage in that activity, that’s what needs to be dealt with. That is the fine line of parenting — how much do you let them go, how much do you hold them up?
I found a lot of strength in realizing that I was able to tell my kids the truth about anything, and also that no matter what happened, I’d be here for them. When bad things happened, I’ve learned I can survive it. And so can they.
But I also decided long ago that I would not participate in any activity that was harmful to my child. I’m here – to help them grow.
I can only imagine how hard it is to parent. I have a two-year-old Husky…that’s about as close as I’ve gotten so far. And if the headache and the worry and the wondering if I’m doing the right thing with her is overwhelming at times, I know with a child it must be ten-fold.
And yes, I do know you really don’t know what you’ll do until you there. After all, it’s hypothetical. Everyone know that you will raise the perfect child that will never misbehave, and if they do, you will have the perfect response and punishment so that they will never do that or anything like it ever again. (If only…)
At the end of the day, we have to give our kids the best chance possible and hope we get things right.
Hannah,
Why are you so quick to dismiss a 2000 year old institution, yet you cite days-old studies/media outlets as proof of facts?
“I will not be the one administering birth control pills to my daughters at 15, but I will take them to Planned Parenthood so that a practical, emotionally impartial person can talk to them about risk, pregnancy and STDs then allow them access to what they think they might need. They may choose to need nothing but abstinence and I will support that too.”
Shannon, your choice of words here is interesting. Do you trust strangers more than yourself regarding the well being of your childrens’ futures? Have you seen the videos of pp workers? Those are the people you want deciding if/when/how your girls view/have sex? Why not promote the ideal?
Do you agree that the ideal would be for your girls to marry nice men, have babies, and live happily ever after?
I realize bad things happen, this is a flawed world and we are messy people, you’re right about that. But should we settle in and get dirty and just become part of our surroundings? Or should we try to rise above the mess, and bring as many people out of it as we can?
A couple of thoughts:
One should also talk to your children about avoiding the near occasions of sin – while discussing abstinence only.
If one can treat the importance of life for what it truly is – while having frank discussions on abortion with your children – as a consequence that secular society uses to treat pregnancy – that also helps them to understand the importance of abstinence before marriage.
I also used your calculations on the rate of failure of BC over time…. that also sinks in…..
We try to surround ourselves with good people with the same moral values –
While it’s not perfect – we can only provide the tools for them as they leave the house and hope enough of it sinks in….. so they may make the best decisions as they grow….
Lastly – We also pray for our children.
Albert Einstein said something very provocative that sounded utterly practical to me when I first heard it:
You cannot simultaneously prepare for and prevent nuclear war.
Swap in premarital sex for nuclear war. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see the contradiction in Shannon’s sincere argument.
Maybe the condescending intellectuals like Einstein and Stacy might have some good practical advice. We should hear them out, and not dismiss them because they’re smart.
A sociological description: Men and women are getting married later in life. Late 20′s or early 30′s. At that time in life, still being a virgin, for men and women, is considered ridiculous. Everytime someone begins a relationship, having sex is included in the package. It’s something expected, more than encouraged. “All adults do that”. The chances of getting a wife or a husband, without engaging in pre-marital sex, are very low. Adults expect you to have sex, and if you don’t, your chances of finding a nice guy or a nice girl, good persons, but who believe in pre-marital sex (the majority of our society), are low.
Now, men and women face a very, very difficult question: risking being lonely forever, hiding the secret of still being virgin, or engaging in pre-marital sex, to finally move toward beginning a family.
Do you know what I mean?
In the 40′s and 50′s women get married at 18, 19 years old. Now at 30 years old. The age changed and the mindset changed as well. It’s almost impossible to find a 30 year-old man still virgin and living in abstinence.
You can say: ok, go to a church and find a good man or woman there. But there isn’t enough good men and women going to churches. That’s a sad reality.
There’s that young doctor, or nice sales man, or that beautiful scientist, whom you may fall in love with, just expecting you to have sex if you start dating him or her.
Practical reason, another word for morality here: imagine yourself in that situation. You’re a 31 year-old woman still virgin (none of your friends still are and they feel sorry for you, although you don’t discuss that with anybody, nor even to yourself). You want to get married. All the men you know expect you to have pre-marital. You have to choose: having pre-marital sex or being lonely. You made a choice: you’re going to have sex. And you do it and use condoms and pills. You become one of them: another woman going with the flow. You suffer: deep inside you know having sex after marriage is a better option. But you’re alone, out there in the jungle. And you made a choice.
You just pray: please, Lord, forgive me, but this is something I need to do to get married. And cry.
That’s the reason why even religious men and women are not living a life of abstinence.
Ok, you may say: but this is soooooooo wrong. It’s a shame. Oh, yeah. But imagine a man being virgin at 32. Poor guy. A loser. Low self-steem. A woman: no one loves her. She’s going to be single forever. Poor girl.
The burden of still being a virgin till their 30′s is too heavy for most people. Some, of course, may agree that pre-marital sex is just ok. But others will disagree, but do it anyway.
Cowards? Possibly.
But also desperate.
Anonymous Woman,
I hear you. This is a very real situation and a very real point that you make. I will respond, I’ve been there, and I have so much to say about desperation and relationships. It is a burden to be alone, period, and it’s scary. But I learned the hard way that the desire to belong, to love and be loved, to know and be known is a desire created in us because we are made in God’s image. The Holy Trinity is all about perfect relationship. What I learned is that if you seek love and knowledge without seeking God first, you will never be satisfied, and you will always be desperate.
There are lots of women and men like you, aren’t there? And it needs to be addressed. Thank you for showing us that some things are easier said than done. Peace, sister.
Thanks, Stacy! I’m glad that you see my point..
This is something that bores me: normally, people who are already married and now live a plain catholic life, are the ones giving advice to single men and women, but when those married people were single themselves, they didn’t follow the advices they’re now giving.
There’s also young couples giving that advice: but since they got married so young, it was easier to them to follow Church teachings.
So, the late ’20′s and early ’30′s are left without a single strong example to follow, immersed in a culture that taken sex in adult relationships for granted, being vexed and humiliated bt their colleagues and peers(if they’re still virgins) and worse than that: thinking they’re more sinful than non-religious men and women, because when they (’20′s and ’30′s) do engage in pre-marital sex, they know they’re embracing a mortal sin. Just expecting to get married and solve that moral problem seems extremely hypocrital and sinful as well, like they’re trying to cheat on God.
Try to make a small research: how many catholic men you know were virgins when they get married? I’d say none of them or very, very few. They have sex, marry, and then they say: don’t have sex. Could you please be quiet for a moment(I’d like to say to them)? I can take that advice from a priest, who has the obligation of being chaste and normally respect their vows. But coming from someone else seems a little bit hypocritical to me.
Yes, we suffer and no one seems to have perceived that with the ongoing participation of women in the society, including college, graduate school and also work life, it is much more difficult to men and women of that age to follow the Church advice on human sexuality.
And the argument: please, be strong, it’s not enough! It’s a constant humiliation.
There are also young couples…
There are also young couples
Normally respect his vows.
Of that age (’20′s and ’30′s).
Anonymous woman,
I can only speak for myself. In my 40′s, having matured (finally) and having gained some wisdom in life, I do not feel it is hypocritical to warn younger people about certain things that I know – I know – will harm them.
The cultural messages are confusing, and when I say or write what I do now, it is because I look back and ask myself, “What do I wish someone had said to me?”
Whether most people “have sex” before marriage or not is irrelevant. Giving your body away without a commitment will harm a person because it is impossible to give away your body without giving away your soul too.
Suppose a young woman only had one such relationship and that turned into marriage. OK, she and the young man will have to heal from that lack of virtue, but together they can submit to God and find healing to strengthen the marriage and grow together.
But suppose a young woman thinks she has to “have sex” just to get a man interested in her and she does this with a number of men. Well, when she meets the man she will marry and marries him, the healing will be much harder because it is of a totally different nature. The pain for her will be different than the pain for the husband who has to contend in his mind with his bride “having sex” with other men. The bride will have to contend with this delusion in her mind that she ever needed to “have sex” to be loved. I’ve been there. Trust me, anonymous woman, this is a very, very difficult thing for a married couple to reconcile. The pain is hard to admit, hard to define, hard to confront.
Why do you think in this day and age of premarital sex so many families fall apart?
I don’t call young women to “be strong.” I only hope to explain the reasons why premarital sex will compromise them. God’s plan is a good plan for a reason. Trust it. Obey it. When you do meet the man you marry, it will make more sense. If you never do, then ask God what He wants from you. God is Good, whatever it is will make you happy and seeking God is the only thing that ultimately brings happiness. If you do not seek God’s will first, you will always feel a desperation – in marriage or not. This is a life long journey.
Frankly, this cultural message that people need to wait until they are in their 30′s to marry is a flawed message. It makes marriage sound like the ending of life instead of the beginning of something amazing. It seems unnatural. I married (real marriage) in my 30′s and there is a sadness in knowing that I may not live to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary or see great grandchildren with my husband by my side.
I speak to you in love, not judgement. I don’t want any other woman to go through what I went through so I am obligated to speak the truth now that I know what it is.
Stacy,
I’m mortified. I was not saying that you are hypocritical!!!! On contrary, I think you’re very, very honest, exposing your soul to us, your readers!!! Your conversion story is touching and deep. Forgive me, sincerely, if I offended you. I did not have that intention! If I didn’t like your thoughts and advices, I wouldn’t come here in the first place! I respect you, I think you are an amazing woman, the way you embraced the catholic faith is inspiring and your blog is a relief. Your work at Ignitus Today is very important for all of us and I think you are an extremely intelligent and enlightened woman. My apologies.
Let me tell you my points: I was saying that those who embrace pre-marital sex, knowing in their hearts that pre-marital sex in a sin and expecting to “cure” that problem by getting married, are those somewhat hypocritical. That kind of sin it is truly mortal, in the sense that the consent to sin is undeniable.
You made a very good point by remembering that some women try to use sex to attract men. I wasn’t even thinking about that and it was well pointed out.
My second point: I was trying to call attention for something I consider a sociological issue. Men and women are getting married later in life and, because of that, it is more difficult to them to keep chaste. Why are they getting married later in life? I don’t know for sure, but I risk saying this has something to do with the sexual revolution and feminist movement: since women have been conquering a larger space in the society, some new options were offered to them. Now, we all can go to college, and then to graduate school and start successful careers, and be financially independent. That’s nothing wrong with that, but I think that change in women behavior has altered marriage as well: now we wait for finishing graduate school, having a good job, a solid career etc before considering to marry. And now we’re back to my first point: since we’re getting married later in life, it’ is more difficult to keep chastity.
A third point: we lack examples. Of course those married couples can give us advice about not making the same mistakes they did. We can all learn from experience. But what I was trying to say is that we can also learn from example. The thing is: where can we find those examples? If someone didn’t get married early in life, there’s nothing she or he can do change that. It’s a fact. Period. But it would be nice to see virtuous people in their ’30′s stiking to Church’s teaching. Unfortunately, it is hard to find those examples. Since we can’t find those examples, it seems to men and women in their ’30′s it is really hard to follow the Church’s teaching, even tough we know those teaching are true. We lack examples.
When I said that asking us to be strong is not enough, I was trying to say, but I failed, that those encouragements words are not enough. Why? Because young couples or couples that are living in perfect communion with the Chruch may have no idea how humiliating it is trying to be chaste in a world so sexualized as ours. Sex is taken for granted and if we deny that “social value”, we are seen as failures. Society thinks we have issues to solve!
I hope I had clarified my points.
Forgive once more if my previous words sounded like a criticism.
Oh!!! Don’t be mortified!
I understand what you are saying better now. Thanks for clearing it up.
What you are describing is really an ecumenical issue it seems. How do we teach young adults and young couples about the importance of marriage and chastity in a sexualized world? I suppose it’s like anything else – keep trying, keep speaking, keep praying.
Someone explained to me once about chastity being virtue and how, like any other virtue, it is something practice for your whole life. Even married couples have to practice it at times, and certainly in fidelity to each other. So even though it’s a sin, and a serious one, it’s still a sin that can be forgiven.
The point you make about humiliation is, I think, a VERY important one. Us older people forget that sometimes. The desire to be accepted and appreciated is strong and when you are not married, you desire that feeling so much – and yes, it can seem humiliating to be chaste when the world is sending confusing messages. That is a very weighty point.
So, let me probe you a little. What do you think would be effective for 1) married Catholics and 2) unmarried Catholics living by the teaching of the Church to do? How can those people reach the others? I bet we sound really judgmental sometimes and that stinks when you already feel humiliated, doesn’t it?
Please share more of your thoughts. You are on to something.
Difficult question.
I would say that being an example is the best option as an evangelization tool. Married couple can become to single men and women a model to follow.
For the single men and women out there in the jungle, feeling humiliated by our society, there’s a truth to be faced: the society is not going to change. So, they need to live with that contemporary mentality, trying their best to live according to the Church’s teachings and to see the virtue of purity as a bless but also as a cross. It’s an individual path, in this sense: only the Holy Spirit can help and guide them. And if they fail, well, they need to look for reconciliation and try again.
Living according to our Church’s teachings is not an easy task. There’s going to be humiliation, fear, loneliness, temptations, denials and escapes, rationalizations and excuses. Our values will be undermined and some degree of sadness is expected, even desperation. Discern their vocations and do their best, asking for the Holy Spirit to guide them are the options. I don’t know how a married couple can help or even if they can help.
But it was a very tough question, indeed, and I’m far from being wise enough to present a decent solution.
No, you are quite wise. Quite wise indeed. It’s futile to try to find answers when you don’t even know what the problem is, and you’ve explained an important problem. Most young adults probably just want to be good people, and they hear one thing from society and another from the Church. When you are surrounded by peers that don’t follow the teaching of the Church, they can seem so happy. (I think they try to look happy sometimes.) It can seem unreasonably difficult to be abstinent, and it can be really, really easy to just go along with your peers.
The thing is, if they are all trying to appear happy to hide internal conflict, pretty soon the whole group of people are just playing charades.
But if no good role models are reaching out to those young men and women…
Well?
Anonymous, thank you. I’ll see if I can get some other people to help address this problem you’ve identified. Wisely identified. Thank you for being willing to talk about it. God bless you sister.
Hi there Annonymous Woman!
You’ve got a very interesting perspective and I want to just briefly address one of your points; that there are no examples of 30-some Catholics living chaste lives.
I am a former campus minister and personally know several young adults who are exactly the people you are seeking to connect with. You are right in that they usually do not advertise their virginity, but they do exist. I assure you. I can think of at least 5 women and 3 men just in my immediate circle of friends. Perhaps this is on your heart because there is need for someone to create a “meeting grounds” for faithful Catholics dedicated to their chastity? Consider that.
Thanks for reading my comments. I type fast, using an iPad, what turns me into a linguistic serial killer.
Hi, Stacy!
Just passing by to share two links talking about human sexuality. The first one is Matt Warner’s post on NCRegister
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/matthew-warner/bringing-sexy-back
And the second one is to 1flesh, the organization Matt mentioned: http://www.1flesh.org/
Both sound interesting. You probably already know them, but maybe your readers didn’t have the opportunity to browse the website yet, so that’s the reason I’m posting the links here.
Interesting, no? We’ve been discussing an issue and suddenly I found out an entire website about human sexuality… Coincidence or providence?
I do know them both, Marc Barnes writes at Ignitum Today. I saw that 1Flesh over the weekend and it is awesome!
Thank you linking it here. Yes, this is good.
Also at IT, there’s a discussion going on about singles. It started out about guys, but the ladies jumped in too.
THANK YOU!