“Breastfeeding” Without Controversy
What? Did you think I've violate what I'm about to say with a photo of a bare-chested woman?
Nursing doesn’t have to be controversial. Too often the conflicts over breastfeeding in public turn into a debate about whether the woman has a right to expose herself in public or not. One side says it’s natural and the woman is justified, the other side says she isn’t because, frankly, it makes people uncomfortable.
When I was younger, I was in the first category, a me-first mentality and the media seems to encourage that mindset. “Look what a great mom I am!” For me, that need to show-off was a compensation for the compromises and insecurities of trying to appear liberated. As I nurse this seventh child now, I realize my approach to nursing has changed, drastically. Age? Experience? Faith? (Exhaustion?) A lot of reasons.
First, that compulsion to prove myself vanished. I’m happy, confident, and proud in my home, and if I must go somewhere, then I am prepared to find an enclave. Nursing, like it or not, is private, and a woman is not oppressed if she has to excuse herself to feed her child. It’s a considerate gesture, an act of propriety, to acknowledge those around you — basic good manners.
Second, because it will happen, when I have no choice but to nurse in front of other people, I do it discretely. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, and a woman’s attitude can put others at ease. Cover up with a blanket, focus on the baby, and do what needs to be done. This may seem insignificant, but refraining from eye contact will do much to maintain a little private bubble. Chances are, no one will even notice, and your mini-withdrawal will put them at ease if they do. Once the baby’s situated, carry on. People don’t mind knowing you are nursing, it’s the risk of exposure that makes them nervous. Understandably so. Nursing is intimate.
Third, I simply let myself enjoy it. It’s not a competition and babies grow too fast anyway. These are precious moments. So what if you have to make temporary sacrifices? So what if you have to learn, by sometimes failing, to navigate uncomfortable scenarios graciously?
Last, using a more appropriate word helped me orient my thinking. “Breastfeeding” sounds so utilitarian. I prefer to call it “nursing” which implies loving care. Moms nurse the child in the womb, and into adulthood. Every stage comes with its challenges and joys, so let the first years be intimately special, and leave the controversy for another day.
Category: Catholic Free Press, Featured, Parenting, Social Issues
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I find when I say “nursing” or search for “nursing” I get the field of nursing. You know, the person who works in a hospital sort not the act of nursing. So to save confusion I call it breastfeeding. But that’s me.
deltaflute,
Yeah, to search I have to do that too, I just like the other word when I’m thinking or communicating about it. Good point though! Thanks.
From, the other side f the fence:
Well my wife nursed 33 years ago, right when American women were beginning to rediscover the importance and multiple benefits of that God given bond between mother and child. And she could have written your post, Stacy, word for word. Until you got there, as I read, I kept wanting to interject the word “intimacy” because Beth has always valued that part of he process beyond all others. In fact, when she nursed our twin boys (6lbs 15oz & 8lbs 3oz at birth) she seemed to be constantly either nursing or eating to keep from shrivelling away. But even then, each baby had it’s time. In all those years, and all those kids, she always nursed with discretion and dignity, as do my daughters and step daughter today. From a man’s perspective, a gracious nursing mother, who affords her child, herself, and others, the dignity and privacy of a blanket over the shoulder, or even better, a quiet room ( a rare commodity for most moms) is a beautiful vignette of what the whole process of parenting is all about.
Thanks Val. Discretion and dignity, I like that. Thanks.
This topic always boggles my mind. Feeding your child at your breast in public is not “liberal” or “conservative” in my mind. It just *is*.
I think part of the issue is that we live in such a hyper-sexualized society, we are more disturbed by seeing breasts used in a non-sexual way than in a sexual and/or demeaning way. This is why people get uncomfortable. Breasts are things for men to play with (societal view). People do not want to be reminded that what they consider a sex toy is actually there for the nourishment of a child.
I personally do not care if a woman breastfeeds publically. I do not feel she *needs* to separate herself from the rest of society to nourish her child. I totally understand feeling more comfortable in a “nursing nook” … but I think the squimishness of the public when a woman must feed her child at her breast is ridiculous at best.
I agree with ChrisCintheD. Doing a short search on other cultures and breastfeeding will yield some surprising results. This is simply the American culture at its worst (just like with almost every other aspect of American life). Since sex is #1 in this culture, that is “all the breast is capable of” in this culture. The “controversy” of nursing, especially extended nursing, is ridiculous and completely contrary to our God-given nature.
Good points, it does seem odd that the over-sexualized ideas in our culture actually impede an appreciation for something so natural.
There is certainly nothing offputting about nursing, however, neither does it need to be advertised. It is, after all, the child’s meal and, by all accounts, should be a bonding and nurturing time for mother and child. A simple blanket over the shoulder would seem to be in order. Some women prefer to do so even in front of their husbands if they are not in the privacy of their own room. Granted, many cultures may consider going about with a nursing baby at one’s exposed breast perfectly normal, but ours simply is not one of them. A child at the breast deserves as much attention as a mother can provide. Trust me, few young mothers ever fully appreciate the miracle of nursing until they are no longer able to do so. Anyone can feed a baby from a bottle. Nursing, as you all know, is much more than that. Cherish that time, as best you can, (and I understand how difficult that is in a family) while you still have it.
I appreciate this post. I actually have problems nursing/breastfeeding, so mine are usually formula-fed for most of their infant lives. But the part of your post that resonated most with me was before you listed the ways you breastfeed without controversy…the part about a me-first mentality. I think that applies to so much of motherhood. When I was a mom to one or two, I got all caught up in whether people were judging me for using formula or working outside the home, etc. Now, as a mother of five, who still does the formula feeding and work outside the home thing, plus – I am sure – a plethora of other “controversial” things…I realize I just don’t care what anyone else thinks. I’m on #5, I see that #1 has gotten to pre-pubescent years fairly unscathed, healthy, smart and happy and the others are following suit. I’m confident that I can do this motherhood thing my way. I think that makes a huge difference when women get to that point.
That’s not to say that all mothers of young children have a me-first mentality…just that our society kind of embraces it and so it’s a temptation for sure and something I think I succombed to at times early on.
Michelle,
Oh yes, the “me-first” mentality plagued me for far too long. It does apply to a lot of motherhood. I’m sure just maturing has a lot to do with growing out of it, but I do remember feeling that way and being miserable because of it. When I see younger mothers struggling with that, I just want to tell them, “Just be there, love your baby, you’ll get the big stuff right!” All the little details don’t matter so much in the bigger scheme.
What I find so interesting, Stacy, is that I’ve had the opposite happen to me. I can remember having just my one child, going on a long trip in the car, and stopping to nurse him. I’d take several blankets and actually make a tent in the inside of the car blocking all the windows so that I could comfortably nurse him in my makeshift room.
Now that I have my fifth, when I’m in the car and we have to stop to nurse him, I’m lucky if I get a blanket over his head. Of course I’ve learned tricks along the way, now, that allow me to stay “covered” even without a blanket draped over my shoulder and his head.
The same with being out in public, with my first two I would excuse myself from a gathering and go to feed the children in some secluded place, often the floor of a bathroom (ewww!), because I was afraid of accidentally scandalizing people, if I were to suddenly become exposed. Now, I drape a blanket over my shoulder and the baby’s head and we’re good to go.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the intimate (I think that’s a great word for it) connection with my baby. And we do have that. Here at home I often retreat to my bedroom to feed him because it provides alone time for just us. However, IMO, not every feeding action needs to be intimate. The intimacy of nursing one’s child stems from the relationship and how it’s being addressed at a particular time. It has nothing to do with the fact that the breast is what is being used to feed the baby. In other words, the breast isn’t what makes the experience intimate.
Just as dinner tonight with my husband (and all the rest of the children) will be a wonderful, it will not be the intimate dinner that my husband and I would have if we were going out on a date on our anniversary.
Just my two cents.
Bethany,
I laughed when you said “tricks.” I know exactly what you are talking about! Those are good thoughts.
Stacy, you need to add a “like” button. I dig Bethany’s post!
Thanks Chris, I’ll try. Sorry I haven’t been very *present* lately, it’s the end of the school year and I’ve contracted the lovely common cold (and I’m a wimp when I’m sick).
Well, it’s not too pretty, but there it is ^^^
I don’t know any mothers who relish whipping it out in public. Of course a nice quiet room is always preferable. But sometimes you are out, and the baby needs to nurse. You shouldn’t have to hide when you are breastfeeding. How would you like it if every time you wanted to eat a hamburger, you had to sit in a bathroom stall with a bag over your head?
Arwen,
Rather than talk too much about specifics, I like to talk about guiding principles.
It’s good to have a sense of propriety, in general. That’s why I mentioned sometimes failing to navigate uncomfortable scenarios graciously in the post. In the grander scheme, those frustrating incidences are not what’s important.
Honestly, after so many children I didn’t feel any desire to go out too much in that first year, and when I did, I did what I could. Yeah, sometimes I got embarrassed, sometimes frustrated, sometimes indignant, but we made it through. The babies don’t really care where they are, they just need mom. It doesn’t traumatize them to nurse in a bathroom, actually there were a few times the baby appreciated the time-out from a crowd.